What? You can’t tell me that you haven’t read this!

Back in 1988 I was helping my friend/colleague, Stephen Dean PhD, get set up in his new Kansas City, MO office where he would serve as the Operations Manager for the MAST paramedic system.  As I unpacked a box of books, I pulled out a copy of Leader Effectiveness Training by Dr. Thomas Gordon.  I said, “this looks interesting.”

I’d know Stephen for a few years, and I was surprised when he yelled, “What? You can’t tell me that you haven’t read this!” A bit embarrassed that I was failing a major leadership test I admitted that I hadn’t. Dropping his volume just a notch, but still yelling he said, “Well take this copy home and start reading it tonight!”

I’m glad I did. This book published the same year I graduated from High School, 1977 is part of a series of books by Thomas Gordon including Parent Effectiveness Training and Teacher Effectiveness Training. All of these books including this one is jam packed with fundamental life and leadership skills that don’t seem to be taught in business school. He covers collaboration, conflict resolution, teamwork, meeting, feedback, influence, productivity, using tangible examples. 

His list of “Roadblocks to Listening” include 12 categories with sample phrases I see regularly and still catch myself using occasionally.  Number 7 on the list is,” agreeing, and evaluating positively, and buttering up with phrases like:

·      You usually have very good judgement.

·      You’re an intelligent person.

·      You’ve made quite a bit of progress.

These messages communicate the, “listeners desire or intent to change the helpee – a need to direct his or her behavior on influence him or her to behave differently.  These responses slow down or inhibit problem solving.”  Since Stephen shamed me into reading this book, I’ve given hundreds of copies to new leaders.  It’s a time honored classic.